:o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) HUMOR FROM THE VALLEY - July 29, 2001 "A cheerful disposition is good for your health . . ." Proverbs 17:22 (Message Translation) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) JULY'S LAUGH LINES Well, after three editions on the Bible and dealing with troubles, I think it's time to "lighten up" a little. For new members to the list, we try to do Humor from the Valley once a month as a break from the heavier topics in Notes. We collect "clean" jokes from various sources of humor and assemble our favorites for our readers in the hopes it will bring a little laughter to somebody's day. Here's a few of the other reasons why we believe these editions are important. "So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun." Eccelesiastes 8:15 "Laughter is God's hand on a troubled world." Johann Weiss "Laughter is the most beautiful and beneficial therapy God ever granted humanity. It is often just as sacred to laugh as it is to pray." Charles R. Swindoll "It is the heart that is not yet sure of its God that is afraid to laugh in his presence." George Macdonald "Laughter is one of God's greatest gifts to the world. It really is the answer to most of our problems. We are free to smile. Our maker makes room for laughter!" Emmett Kelly, Jr. Humor is not a postscript or an incidental afterthought; it is a serious and weighty part of the world's economy. One feels increasingly the height of the faculty in which it arises, the nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness of services it renders. Oscar W. Firkins May the pages that follow bring a smile to your face and a lift to your spirit. We remain your brother and sister always, Steve & Cathy Hall THE LETTER (Received from SeedSowers4God) A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL". The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name. But this week I received a first for me. Someone sent me a letter and signed their name, but forgot to write the letter." GENERATION GAP (Received from Terouge via GCFL) A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring." THE WISH (Received from -LCNMfellowship) A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you for right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish." Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish request it was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his request for wisdom. I think I can trust that you won't disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for." The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?" The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . . how much steel!!! Your request is very materialistic, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify you craving for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well." The man thought about it for a long while and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal, Lord. I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women . . . I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . . I want to know why they're crying . . .I want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing' . . . I want to know how to make them truly happy . . .That's the wish that I want, Lord." Then after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" MOSES AND THE PRESIDENT (Received from Net153 Sunday Funnies) George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert". A LITTLE WISDOM FROM WILL ROGERS (Received from Mark Rayburn via Mikey's-funnies) Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting' it back in. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. THE IRS AUDIT (Received from Bechy Ayers via Mikey's-funnies) The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "Why would you say that?" wondered the broker. "Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career." ________________________________________________ Editor's Note: Smile! God loves you! ________________________________________________ Copyright © 1998 - 2001 by Stephen J. Hall - Weekly letters of encouragement to Christians written by Stephen J. Hall unless otherwise indicated. Notes from the Valley and Humor from the Valley are meant to brighten your day and encourage you along the way. Most of "Notes" and "Humor" are a collection of items provided to me by subscribers and friends. Credit is given to both the contributor and to the true author, where known. If you are blessed by them, please feel free to make copies and pass them along to others. If you have something you'd like to contribute to a future edition, or any questions or comments, please contact us at: sossteve@... ________________________________________________ "Surely God does not reject a blameless man or strengthen the hands of evildoers. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:20-21 (NIV)