:o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) HUMOR FROM THE VALLEY - JULY 7, 2000 "A cheerful disposition is good for your health . . ." Proverbs 17:22 (Message Translation) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) Here's our reminder for everyone of why we do "Humor" editions at least once each month (and more when you request them): "So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun." Eccelesiastes 8:15 "Laughter is the most beautiful and beneficial therapy God ever granted humanity. It is often just as sacred to laugh as it is to pray." Charles R. Swindoll "Laughter is God's hand on a troubled world." Johann Weiss "It is the heart that is not yet sure of its God that is afraid to laugh in his presence." George Macdonald "Laughter is one of God's greatest gifts to the world. It really is the answer to most of our problems. We are free to smile. Our maker makes room for laughter!" Emmett Kelly, Jr. Humor is not a postscript or an incidental afterthought; it is a serious and weighty part of the world's economy. One feels increasingly the height of the faculty in which it arises, the nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness of services it renders. Oscar W. Firkins And so, my friends, here's another dose of Fatherly "medicine" for whatever may have you feeling down. Take as often as needed, until overcome with joy. Have a great week! With love from your brother and sister in Christ, Steve & Cathy Hall MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS (Received via Mikeys-Funnies - Author Gabe Coombs and others) Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus" Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care (they meet to pray for children in school), when their meeting was canceled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week." SOME FUNNIES TO MAKE YOU SMILE (Received from Leslie via WithGodsHelp Mail List) College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?" Father: "I certainly do." College student: "Well, you get to keep it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines! T-SHIRT ATTITUDES (Received from Diane of WithGodsHelp) 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 7. My Reality Check bounced. 8. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 9. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. THE FINAL EXAM (Received from Brittany A. Umi via GCFL - Author Unknown) Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. Well, as you might have guessed, they didn't get any studying done. When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued . . . "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was." THE WISH (Received from Kimberly of HeartStrings) A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" Three Strikes (Received from Pastor Jim and Net153) A man went on his annual hunting vacation, and set up camp. He needed some firewood, so he wandered from his camp looking, and lo and behold he came upon a grizzly bear and noticed he was without his gun. So he says, "Lord, I know I haven't been as good as I ought, but please, don't let the bear get me." The bear brushed right by him and attacked a deer behind the man. The man swore he wouldn't ever be caught like that again. The next year, as he went on his annual hunting trip he again wandered from camp looking for firewood, this time with his gun. Again he noticed a grizzly bear getting ready to attack him and discovered he didn't have the gun loaded. So he says, "Lord, I know you saved me last year and I haven't been as good as I should have been, but please don't let this bear get me." The bear knocked him down, but went on and attacked a deer behind the man. Well, the next year comes, and the man again hunts for firewood but makes sure he has ammunition. Again he notices a grizzly bear about to attack and then remembers he doesn't have his gun. He says, "Lord, I just pray that this bear is a Christian." The bear runs straight at him, knocks him down, then stops and bows his head and says, "God thank you for this meal that I'm about to eat..." HOLIDAY FOR ATHEISTS (Received from Linda Layton) An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized holidays. It's an unfair discrimination." "What do you mean, atheists have no holidays," his friend replied, "People have been observing a special day in your honor for years." "I don't know what you're talking about," the atheist said, "When is this special day honoring atheists?" "April first." REAL LIFE DILBERTS (Received from Tim Davis - CleanLaugh) Thanks to Jeff Erickson for today's hilarious CleanLaugh ********************************* A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are a few of the finalists: 1. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 2. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 3. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, 3M Corp.) 4. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 5. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 6. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 7. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) _______________________________________________________________ Copyright © 1998 - 2000 by Stephen J. Hall - Weekly letters of encouragement to Christians written by Stephen J. Hall unless otherwise indicated. Notes from the Valley and Humor from the Valley are never intended to offend anyone. They're meant only to brighten your day and encourage you along the way. Most of "Notes" and "Humor" are a collection of items provided to me by subscribers and friends. Credit is given to both the contributor and to the true author, where known. If you are blessed by them, please feel free to make copies and pass them along to others. If you have something you'd like to contribute to a future edition, or any questions or comments, please contact us at: sossteve@... _____________________________________________________________ "Surely God does not reject a blameless man or strengthen the hands of evildoers. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:20-21 (NIV)