:o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) HUMOR FROM THE VALLEY - August 25, 2000 "A cheerful disposition is good for your health . . ." Proverbs 17:22 (Message Translation) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) Here's our reminder for everyone of why we do "Humor" editions at least once each month (and more when you request them): "So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun." Eccelesiastes 8:15 "Laughter is the most beautiful and beneficial therapy God ever granted humanity. It is often just as sacred to laugh as it is to pray." Charles R. Swindoll "Laughter is God's hand on a troubled world." Johann Weiss "It is the heart that is not yet sure of its God that is afraid to laugh in his presence." George Macdonald "Laughter is one of God's greatest gifts to the world. It really is the answer to most of our problems. We are free to smile. Our maker makes room for laughter!" Emmett Kelly, Jr. Humor is not a postscript or an incidental afterthought; it is a serious and weighty part of the world's economy. One feels increasingly the height of the faculty in which it arises, the nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness of services it renders. Oscar W. Firkins And so, my friends, here's another dose of Fatherly "medicine" for whatever may have you feeling down. Take as often as needed, until overcome with joy. Have a great week! With love from your brother and sister in Christ, Steve & Cathy Hall THE LOTTO (Contributed by Linda Layton - Author Unknown) A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray . . . "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays . . . "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays . . . "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket." THE DOLLAR (Received from net153 and Pastor Jim) A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the amusement park, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one-dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church." ANCESTRY (Received from net153 - Great Day News) A lady was trying to impress those at a party. "My family's ancestry is very old," she said. "It dates back to the days of King John of England." Then turning to the lady sitting quietly in a corner she asked condescendingly: "How old is your family, my dear?" "Well," said the woman with a quiet smile, "I can't really say. All our family records were lost in the flood." A TRIP TO THE DENTIST (Received from Don Otieno) The Cozens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cozen made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Cozen turned to his wife . . . "Show him your tooth, Honey." JUST LIKE A SURGEON (Received from Lorraine via GCFL) Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey was very embarrassed and as he walked away, said softly to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running." DAFFY-NITIONS (Received from Don Otieno) 1 Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 2. Beauty Parlour: A place where some women go to dye. 3. Chickens: Animals you eat either before they are born or after they are dead. 4. Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 5. Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 6. Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 7. Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time. 8. Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction. 9. Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed. 10. Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines. THE JOB INTERVIEW Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hotshot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer coolly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it." THIS MIGHT BE A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . . (Received from Net153) The doors are never locked. The Call to Worship is "Y'all come on in!" People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark. The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering"and five guys stand up. The restroom is outside. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of." In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves." Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables. When it rains, everybody's smiling. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service. The church has a singing group known as "The O.K. Chorale." The church directory doesn't have last names. The pastor wears boots. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin. Baptism is referred to as "branding." There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or crappie. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear!" MONASTERY OF SILENCE (Received from Net153) Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit," said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain." ________________________________________________ Copyright © 1998-2000 by Stephen J. Hall - Weekly letters of encouragement to Christians written by Stephen J. Hall unless otherwise indicated. Notes from the Valley and Humor from the Valley are never intended to offend anyone. They're meant only to brighten your day and encourage you along the way. Most of "Notes" and "Humor" are a collection of items provided to me by subscribers and friends. Credit is given to both the contributor and to the true author, where known. If you are blessed by them, please feel free to make copies and pass them along to others. If you have something you'd like to contribute to a future edition or would like to ask us a question or make a comment, please contact us at: sossteve@... ________________________________________________ "Surely God does not reject a blameless man or strengthen the hands of evildoers. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:20-21 (NIV)