Continuing in the spirit of the season... > Press Release: Reengineering Christmas and the North Pole crew. > > The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the > early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern > about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring > decisions at the North Pole. > > Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the > season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail > order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit > idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. > > The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late > model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity > from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is > anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne > environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received > unfavorable press. > > I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. > > Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management > denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that > Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance > abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did > pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of > Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is > known to be under executive stress. > > As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North > Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective > immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the > "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: > > -- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out > to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic > hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. > > -- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not > cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours > could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. > > -- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone > loves the French. > > -- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail > system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to > determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long > they talked. > > -- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of > Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could > have negative implications for institutional investors. > Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of > T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. > > -- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be > afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg > per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. > Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure > by Personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it > gets will be a good one. > > -- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better > times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are > on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new > strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. > > -- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under > heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce > is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end > job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit > the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. > > -- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function > will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no > longer do the steps. > > -- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the > expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation > Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work > congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the > savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of > unemployed congressmen this year. > > -- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case > of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, > a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which > will drop right down to the bottom line. > > We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals > and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that > stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop > ship in one day, service levels will be improved. > > Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking > expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a suing"), > action is pending. > > Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary > in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will > request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division > to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. Jeff and Belinda Smith - WilderLands Hold <*))))))< =================================================== "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world... "Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has!" =================================================== Beaverton, OR <http://www.teleport.com/~thehold>