TOWeR OF BABeL BIBLE COLLEGE-Application Form
1. Name and Address  (if known), if an alien, what planet are you from?
2. Age. If under 30, enclose photo for college newsletter. If over 30, we 
will use photos supplied by Rent-a-mug Model Agency. Please state if you prefer 
to appear - (a) distinguished and balding; (b) grandmotherly (c) both a & b.
3. Financial Resources. Please enclose bank statements, PIN numbers, share 
certificates, deeds, etc. as evidence of your good faith, together with three 
samples of your signature on the lower part of separate sheets of paper. The 
college can take no responsibility for their safety.
4. Health. Enclose medical certificate. If severe health problems exist, 
phone the Registrar (collect) for pre-printed will form.  If you are in a state of 
prosperity, we will hand deliver the will form.
5. Spirituality. Are you (a) lukewarm; (b) earnest; (c) totally dedicated. If 
you answer (c) we will enroll you in our Lifetime of Poverty course and send 
you the contract by return mail (if you pay the postage.).
6. Testimony. This is for our newsletter. As most college students have lived 
regrettably bland lives, we now suggest you treat the testimony as a form of 
short story. Therefore please choose from the following topics:
(a) I Was A Pre-School car thief;
(b) Drug Dealer's Dramatic Decision;
(c) Mass Murderer Sees The Light.
Use your own name for the main character and beef it up a bit - our prayer 
partners appreciate a bit of realism in the stories. Minimum of 1500 words.
7. Church Background. State denomination, years of membership. Office held 
(giving out hymnbooks does not count). Minister's name, phone number, date of 
birth (if he was born), Social Security Number, and license number of his 
vehicle(s). If you would rather we did not contact him, her or them, please add 50% 
to the fees.
8. Doctrinal emphasis. (No discrimination is practised, but we curb any 
barrow-pushing tendencies.)
British Israelite? (State which of the Ten Lost Tribes you came from.)
Seventh Day Adventist? (You may be required to do a quick trip across the 
date-line to synchronise you with the other students.)
Dispensationalist? (State if indispensable or merely disposable.)
Tribulation, Millennium and Rapture; pre-, post- and a-? (Did you know there 
are 27 possible permutations for this one? So your chances of getting it right 
are pretty slim. We aren't so much bothered about which one you are, as 
needing to know if you lose your temper with the majority who see things 
differently from you.) Fundamentalist? (State which version of the Bible you believe 
from cover to cover. Is the leather binding genuine? Is the binding binding or 
merely legal? Did Jonah swallow the whale? If so, where did Cain get his wife 
from?)   Pentecostal? (State variety: mild, raving, demon-chasing, etc.)
Liturgical? (Incense plays havoc with the Principal's hay fever; will you 
settle for a splash of holy water now and then?)
9. Dependents. State name, sex, ages and number of (a) spouses; (b) children; 
(c) elderly relatives. Would they be willing to assist in our Deeds Not Words 
Community Outreach - at present the vision is to build the Principal's new 
house on land graciously bequeathed by a former student who tragically passed 
away shortly (about 45 minutes) after making out his will.
10. Personal Details. These are regarded as STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. Please 
supply ten copies of your reply to this question to our records clerk, old Mother 
Harridan and her team of precious voluntary lady helpers from St. Tibia's 
sewing circle who will make every detail of your problems a matter for special 
prayer whenever and wherever they meet, and discuss them.
TOWER OF BABEL BIBLE COLLEGE
Our motto: Shall we sin that grace may much more abound? Shall we ever!
Sample Examination Paper - Strictly Copyright
Section One (for all students):
1. Name the first book of the Bible; is it (a) Genesis; (b) War and Peace; 
(c) Enid Blyton's Noddy in Toyland
2. Name a descendent of Adam. If living, state address and phone number.
3. Who built Noah's Ark?
4. Connect the dots.   · a.                       · b.  If you require more 
the 10 minutes for this, you should meet the intelligence requirements.
Section Two (intermediate students):
1. Spell Nebuchadnezzar or Nibachadnesser or Nabechednuzzer
2. Describe the Reformation in (a) your own words; (b) somebody else's words; 
(c) neither. (Yes or no will do for this question.)
3. Write an essay on Why My Denomination is Best. Marks will be deducted for 
giggling. Candidates may change denominations after ten minutes if the find 
they have backed a loser.
4. Fill in the blanks from the list below: Let all ... be ... decently and in 
...
(Things; done; order; chips; fried; lard.)
Section three (advanced students only):
1. Draw a picture of Martin Luther and Billy Graham. Color it in.
2. Write a sermon on Giving.  Preach it. How much did you get?
3. Mormons are wrong, right? Stop a couple as they cycle past, argue, and 
convince them of their errors. (No marks for converting only one.)
4. Invent a new religion. (Note: conservationists insist that any human 
sacrifices should be volunteers.)
5. Prove:
(a) the President's name adds up to 666;
(b) the End of the World will be on Mother's Day;
(c) only Baptists are in the 144,000. (Pocket calculators may be used.)
STUDENT SCHEDULE
5.00a.m. Bell to arouse students.
5.55 - 6.00 Cold showers, private devotions, quiet times, pre-class jogging, 
6.00 - 6.05 Chapel Hour. (Our dear Principal)
6.05 - 6.15 Breakfast, roll-call.
6.15 - 6.20 In-depth Church History lecture.
6.20 - 7.00 Discussion Time. Students will prepare lists of personal problems 
and grievances against other students. Staff shortcomings may not be 
mentioned.
7.00 - 12.00 Christianity in Action. Students will work in college veg- 
garden, serve in college nearly-new shop, prepare college lunch and/or build the 
Principal's new Memorial College Wing. This course qualifies for the Missionary 
Skills diploma.
12.00 - 12.15 Lunch, roll-call.
12.15 - 12.25 Mail Hour. Students may read their incoming mail and compose 
any suitable replies. All outgoing mail to be place unsealed on the secretary's 
desk for the prayerful consideration of staff.
12.25 - 5.00 Good News Outreach. Practical door-to-door evangelism. Students 
will take their Live in Hope suitcases of cosmetics, patent laxatives, 
all-purpose brushes and glossy novels to the needy,
sin-burdened suburban housewives. If a sale is made, they may offer a kind 
word or a tract. All proceeds go to defray the cost of setting up this grand 
faith venture, due to the zeal of our dear Principal in cooperation with Amway, 
Avon, Raleigh's, Bon Brush and Grolier Enterprises, and assorted drug dealers.  
bless them all!
5.00 - 5.30 Meal preparation (volunteers for this, please, otherwise go 
without).
5.30 - 5.45 Dinner Hour, roll-call.
5.45 - 9.45 Lectures, led by Brethren from local Assemblies. Topics: 
exposition, eschatology, hermeneutics, apologetics, polemics, exegesis, linguistic 
analysis and the identification of palimpsests.
9.45 - 9.50 Epilogue Hour. (Our dear Principal)
9.50 - 10.00 Supper. Students whose food parcels are delayed should share 
with others.
10.00 Lights out.
10.00p.m. - 5.00a.m. Free Time. Options include: night of prayer and fasting; 
social awareness (video); outreach to the lost at nearby shooting ranges, 
twenty-firsts, etc.
NEWS FROM OUR OLD STUDENTS--All graduating students are required to sign an 
undertaking to supply an up-to-date contact address and to write at 
three-monthly intervals. In return, they receive regular copies of the college 
newsletter, a supply of Faith Pledges and our written assurance that their whereabouts 
will not be divulged to any government agencies as long as donations are 
promptly forthcoming.
SAM GOOBERMAN (alias)--Student of the Year throughout all his stay in college 
(which was about 7 months), Sam was an inspiration by his humility, 
spirituality, and devotion to his studies. To bad one of you girls didn't land him as a 
husband, but even a great all-rounder like Sam has to have the odd blind 
spot. Sam writes to us:
Hi to all you Babel Bible-ites down in li'l ole Noo Zealand. I guess I should 
jess take time out to write 'n' thank each and every one of yew for those 
great years at yore swell li'l ole college.
I guess I wondered how you-all would receive me when I fust en-rolled. 
Shucks-to-Betsy, I needn't have worried. The fact that my pappy is pastor of the 
Blessed City of Light, the fastest-growing church in the state, not to say the 
richest, and the fact that ma has a li'l ole string of oil wells due to a 
settlement made by one of her previous husbands, why, none of that made any 
diff'rence to the way I wuz received by you-all. Ahm sure that any other stoodent 
would have been excused lectures and exams if they'd found the going kinda rough, 
jes like I did. Efter orl, it's what's in the hey-art, not in the hey-ad that 
counts, as yore fabulous Principal used to say - only he said it in that cute 
little unintelligible Noo Zealand accent that you-all have. Guess you need to 
watch more good ole US of A tv and catch up with the rest of the world, huh?
Hey, afore I sign off, I'd like for to have all you great folks come 'n' 
mosey over to the ranch this fall for a little vay-cation. We c'n have a fine ole 
clambake an' a real foot-stompin' hoe-down. I'll come 'n' pick you-all up in 
mah very own private Boeing 747 Executive jet which pappy done give me for mah 
bruthday. Regretfully, seeing as Ah always travel with a val-et an' stooards 
an' secretaries to look after the de-tails, that'll only leave room for your 
amazing Principal and his glorious wife. But you'll be in our thoughts, yew can 
bet your sweet life.
Once again, thanks a million for teaching me that wealth ain't everything, it 
is everything. Ahm going tew remember that when Ah take over the Blessed City 
of Light Church, and the shrine of the divine dollar.
Bless you real good, huh. Sam Gooberman IV (alias)
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DLReagan+

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